Forget the notion that you will be idolized, universally admired and richly rewarded. When you choose to become a leader, you are choosing a road plagued with failure, disappointment, confusion and resentment. Your best decisions will be mocked, your friends will abandon you and loneliness will become your constant companion. Others will take credit for your work and you will be blamed for their failures. Interested? I hope so because you have never been needed more. Today’s organizations are rife with distrust of authority and fractured by pervasive self-interest. Loyalty beyond oneself and one’s work team is increasingly rare. It’s a very tough road. Still interested? Here is what you will be sacrificing.

Your Popularity

This is not American Idol and you are not in a popularity contest. When a highly-trained commander of a nuclear-powered aircraft carrier thinks his job is to star in raunchy videos to become one of the boys, he has definitely lost his way as a leader. While the men and women in his command may have thought these self-effacing, loutish videos amusing, I promise you they did nothing to enhance the leadership stature of this highly-trained U.S. Navy captain. He mistakenly thought his job was to be liked. It was not. It was to set a standard of behavior based on dignity and self-respect that others would strive to achieve.

It is not your job to make others feel good about you. It’s your job to help them feel good about themselves.

Peace and Tranquility

When asked to identify historical leaders that we admire, Gandhi’s name often comes to mind. We immediately conjure up thoughts of a serene, saint-like leader attired in simple robes, cross-legged on a barren floor quietly sharing profound adages such as “…be the change.” Nothing could be farther from the truth. Gandhi was an impatient, firebrand who lived at the center of chaos, uncertainty and despair. His cause was constantly on the brink of failure and disaster loomed. His organization was disjointed, unruly and prone to deceit. And yet he persisted…and prevailed.

Leadership is a messy business and rarely shows up as five neat practices or seven neat habits. It involves making a self-sacrificing commitment to others and a goal bigger than oneself. It involves trading comfort for tension and peace for turmoil.

The true leader sees that the old story no longer works, recognizes that the new story has not yet been written, and has the courage to stand in that chaotic, dangerous place between the two.

Life Balance

Abandon the idea that you will ever achieve work-life balance. For leaders, it does not exist. You cannot organize, delegate or prioritize your work well enough to create balance in your life. You have been trying to do this all of your career and still feel like a failure. In fact, as a leader, you have chosen a life journey that will be constantly out of balance. The hard truth is that both on and off the job you will be consumed by thoughts of the adventures and challenges that await your organization; unrelenting competition, changing markets, internal strife, magnificent opportunities, rampant disengagement…the list goes on. Like it or not, when you walk out of the office, you take your organization’s ethos (think of ethos as the core spirit of the organization) with you. You are its keeper 24/7. Putting a lot of energy into denying this is futile and frustrating.

If you can’t make this happen, resign your leadership post. Become a diamond-cutter, a salsa dancer, a dog trainer….something that you can readily disconnect from the rest of your life.

(Btw…we also carry our familial relationships with us 24/7. It can be hard to get your head around this idea, but great leaders find ways to serve their families while at work and serve their organizations while at home. When we stop the futile effort of erecting artificial partitions between the two worlds, we are able to bring our whole selves to both and be a great leader in both.)

Life becomes a rich pageantry when leaders bring the very best parts of themselves to all dimensions of their lives, letting go of the view that these dimensions are inherently competitors.

So why do it? Why should you take on these sacrifices and step up to lead? Because you will touch people’s lives in ways you cannot even imagine. Most of us spend the majority of our adult lives inside organizations, and leaders show us how we can make this time meaningful. They show us how we can exceed our own expectations. In short, they help us live bigger lives. Is there any more important work? Is it not worth the sacrifice?

Gregg Thompson is President of Bluepoint Leadership Development and author of several books, including “Unleashed: Leader As Coach”. He welcomes your comments by email.

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One afternoon, inspired by a desire for nostalgia, I toured my boyhood hometown and found myself driving through an area I had thought 30 years ago was my dream neighborhood. I always imagined buying a home there and settling my future family into that community. Remembering that goal, that previous measure of success, I rather quickly judged that particular goal a failure – a measurement of success that I had not met. As I reflected further, I began to challenge my quick label of failure. The reality is, my life today, the community I live in, the home I have, the family that lives there – those are my dream – not that outdated dream. In fact, that outdated dream was no longer relevant to my own current values and measures of success. There was no reason for me to label not living in my 30 year old dream neighborhood as a failure because not settling there was actually a contributing factor to what I now define as my success. My current view of success was something I could not have even imagined 30 years ago.

A few weeks later I was leading a leadership development class through a values identification activity. Half-way through the process, a woman raised her hand to share an observation. The values she had been identifying as most important were actually outdated from her current value set. She had not truly realized, until laying out values side by side, that what she thought were her values were actually reflections from her past, not truly what she believed today as a leader in a large organization. As we spoke further, I found that she too was measuring success today through an outdated set of values and goals.

As I considered this phenomenon of outdated views of self and old goals, I began to see more and more examples in my and other leaders’ behaviors:
Using a definition of success from prior to 2008 and the recession instead of adjusting my measure of success in our new economic reality;
identifying and developing talent based on my view of how I saw talent 20 years ago instead of looking at how to identify and develop talent now;
looking for new business opportunities from a value set and belief of business that was far from
the actual business person I am today.

For me and other leaders I have worked with, our outdated sense of self and measures of success were causing us to be blind to the new, innovative opportunities that were right in front of us. We were blind to these innovations because they were blocked from our sight by our outdated views of ourselves, what we valued, and how we measured success.

Every leader I talk to from Asia to Europe to North America speaks of the need to be more innovative. They focus on innovation techniques to generate new ideas. I wonder if they too are surrounded by opportunities for innovation, but blind to them because of outdated views of themselves, those around them, and the businesses they lead. Think of the implications of this: If I can update how I see myself and the world around me to be more in line with today’s reality than yesterday’s history, I could actually see the innovation opportunities that are right under my nose.

What can you do to open up this new window to seeing innovation?

1. Begin by reflecting on your values, goals and measures of success from a critical time in your early adult life–graduating from college, your first job, or your first remembered adult dreams of success. Write down as much as possible

2. Next, reflect on your values, goals and measures of success today. Again, write as much as possible.

3. Now write down all your most recent successes, times when you felt most satisfied with work and life. Create a mental video tape of one of the best days of your life.

4. Compare these 3 sets of data. What do you see? Are there clear connections between any of these? Rate how up-to-date your measures of success are.

5. Finally, sit down with a trusted friend or colleague. Tell them what you have learned in this reflection process. Ask them how they see you today and how they think you measure success. What information does that give you about how you see yourself and how you measure success compared to another’s view?

What meaning can you make for yourself after completing this reflection process? Do your current successes fall in line with how you think you measure success now or in another time of your life? Is it time to update your personal and professional values, goals and measures of success?
I heard this line once in a movie, “Don’t let your past dictate who are – let it be a part of who you become.” In life and in business, the past could be a hindrance to seeing new possibilities.

The innovative, up-to-date leader may realize that the biggest blocker to innovation is their outdated measurements of what it means to be successful.

Jim Boneau is Vice President and Master Facilitator at Bluepoint Leadership Development. He welcomes your comments by email.

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Sadly, when speaking on the topic of The Leader as Coach, the first question I usually hear is not, “What’s the most potent thing I can do to improve my effectiveness as a coach?” but rather, “What can I do with all the people on my team who are uncoachable?” The honest answer is one that most leaders don’t want to hear: “It’s not that they don’t want coaching; they just don’t want coaching from you!“

How do I know this to be true? I have asked the following question of thousands of leaders: “If you were unknowingly doing something that was significantly impeding your performance, something that was turning off those around you, something that would likely drive your career toward a ditch, while someone that you really trusted and was completely committed to your success knew about this, would you want this person to come to you, privately, and share this information with you?” Virtually 100% of the audience raises their hand every time. Think about how directly this parallels coaching. If the vast majority of us would readily invite such tough-to-hear feedback, why would we ever resist coaching? The answer: It’s not the coaching we resist. We are simply very picky about those we will welcome into something as profoundly personal as coaching.

Coaching requires a special relationship and an extraordinary conversation in which people explore ways they can create significant change in their work, careers or lives. At its best, it can only be described as intimate. The idea that some people are uncoachable emanates from the myth that coaching is something we do to others. It’s not. It’s a powerful, performance and career changing process that we do with others. We may call ourselves coaches. We may offer ourselves as coaches. We may encourage others to avail themselves of our coaching. But we can’t unilaterally impose ourselves on others as coaches. No matter how senior we are, no matter how interpersonally skilled we are, no matter how experienced we are, we still have to earn the right to coach.

Unfortunately, the myth that coaching is something we do to others is propagated by a plethora of coaching books and training programs that naively assert that leaders simply need to engage in what really amounts to a series of interpersonal tricks designed to entice others into coaching conversations. State your intentions, express confidence in the person, listen actively, provide balanced feedback, co-create an action plan…the list goes on. These are good leadership practices, but they will not get us invited into the coaching relationship. We don’t have to read the latest coaching best seller to get this. We know this from our own experiences with those who have been our own best coaches. When deciding if we will welcome someone as our coach, all we really want to know is the answer to three simple questions:

1. Do you really care about me? (Are you committed to my success?)
2. Can I trust you? (Will you tell me the truth?)
3. Do you have something of value for me? (Will you share your best to help me become my best?)

Great coaching often involves exposing our most treasured aspirations, exploring the scary territory of unfulfilled expectations, claiming all of the talents we have kept hidden, owning up to the ways we are selling ourselves short, making bold new promises to ourselves, charting risky new courses of action…these are not things we will do with just anyone. These are things we will only do with someone who we believe truly cares about us, is trustworthy and has something important to offer.

Have you seen the light? Now the hard part is figuring out what you can do to engage with those you previously considered uncoachable. Here is a suggestion. Make sure you have a positive response to the three questions above and then speak to each of your “uncoachables”, let them know you would be honored to serve as their coach, and ask them what you need to do to earn the right to do so. This will likely be one of the most difficult things you will ever do as a leader…and the most valuable!

Gregg Thompson is the President of Bluepoint Leadership Development and welcomes your comments. He can be reached by email.

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What if I told you that you should be the smartest person in the room? That you should lead with a heavy dose of direction? That you should take your hands off the steering wheel and let your employees drive for a while? That building strong connections and understanding yourself would best serve your organization? My guess is that you would think that these “leadership styles” seem contradictory, and that one or more of them caused you to flinch a bit.

In reality, leaders must continually adjust their approach to guiding their organization. Every situation you encounter demands that you assess, decide and communicate a decision (and sometimes the decision is no decision). Your greatest asset in making the best decisions is your own awareness of yourself. What are your biases? What is your preferred style of leadership? What is your greatest challenge? What are the values that guide your decisions? What are your options?

Consider these four approaches to leadership and ask yourself, “What attracts or repels me from using this style of leadership?”

The Smartest Person in the Room

We don’t have to look far to find examples of business leaders today who either have been seen, or are currently, the smartest people in the room. Bill Gates of Microsoft, Steve Jobs of Apple, Dr. Irwin Jacobs of Qualcomm or Condoleezza Rice of the former Bush Administration have all been acknowledged at some point as having a visionary idea or being the smartest person on a given topic. That mantel has compelled individuals to follow these leaders, to build organizations around them or compelled world leaders to listen to their perspectives.

Command and Control

Hierarchy-based leadership is essential in the military. There are no questions asked, no curiosity about an order given by a general in time of battle, or by a command given to a new recruit. In the business world, Jack Welch has been seen by some as a command and control leader for the benefit of GE.

Hands Off

Laissez faire was a term coined in French history to indicate a style of leadership that allows loose control and very little direction from the leader.

Relationship-based Leadership

Relationship-based leadership is about creating connections between individuals in the organization – between manager and employee, co-worker to co-worker, group to group – relationships in service of collaborating to create the best possible decisions and solutions for the business and the customer. At the heart of relationship-based leadership is self awareness of the leader. The leader understands how she can best connect with others by having a good understanding of how she connects with herself.

In the complex organizations you are leading today, there are times that each of these approaches to leadership is necessary. At some point, you need to be the smartest person in the room: setting direction, knowing the skills needed to accomplish a goal, having the best financial mind to manage the assets of the company. Sometimes, you need to make a command and control decision: the time of analysis is no longer adding value and the leader needs to make the call to move. Sometimes leaders need to step back, to let others have time for reflection or to step into their next challenging assignment. And sometimes, in fact most of the time, you need a solid relationship with yourself and those around you for the ongoing day-to-day execution of the task at hand.

How do you know when to take what approach? How do you know when your decision is more about your preference than what’s best for the organization? How do you navigate between these four approaches?

From my experience and the experiences of the leaders I work with, there’s only one answer: a deep understanding of you. How do you develop that? Take a deep dive into development. By knowing yourself, your biases, your past successes and failures, your values – you will learn how you react in any given situation. You may find command & control is easier for you, but it may not always best serve the situation. You may find you lean towards a hands-off approach, but that’s because you have a fear of participating in relationship-based leadership.

To be the most effective leader you can be, to move back and forth between these approaches to leadership, take some time to “sit on a rock”, learn about yourself, and evaluate your effectiveness in balancing all four approaches to leading your organization.

Jim Boneau is a Vice President and Master Facilitator at Bluepoint Leadership Development. He can be reached by email.

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For the last ten years I have had the good fortune of working with hundreds, perhaps thousands of senior leaders in many different parts of the world. I am grateful for the insight this experience has given me. It has put a face to large organizations and granted me an honest look inside, into the very real life of its leaders. It is a life filled with the stress of market and business demands, the waves of personal and professional triumphs and defeats, and the inner struggle all of us face in dealing with the inevitable pain that accompanies our human experience.

Over these last ten years, I have found myself recommending the same books for my clients to read. I often recommend reading as a supplement to our work, as it is the fastest way to have my clients get outside of their mental box. I am so impressed by the fact that, for less than the cost of a dinner out, you can obtain one person’s entire life learning, all organized and neatly packaged in several hundred pages. This learning, if applied, can help ensure you don’t make every mistake yourself. Reading is the quickest way to new insights, reminders, fresh perspectives, and concrete tools - tools you can use immediately to obtain different results in both your personal and professional life. Of course, you have only one life, so true advancement in either has a positive effect on both.

This reading list is one that I now wish to share with each of you, in celebration of ten years of work. I promise that if you read the following and apply what resonates for you, you will achieve an uncommon success – a life of fulfillment, achievement, and perhaps most importantly, peace of mind. All leadership development is personal development. There can be no true power to lead without first the mastery of one’s self and the mastery of one’s own mind.

Top 10 recommendations (in no particular order):

Living a Life of Inner Peace – Eckhart Tolle (audio)

Leadership & Self Deception – The Arbinger Institute

Primal Leadership: Realizing the Power of Emotional Intelligence – Daniel Goleman, Richard E. Boyatzis, and Annie McKee

Turning the Mind into an Ally – Sakyong Mipham and Pema Chodron

The Leader’s Voice: How your communication can inspire action and get results – Clarke and Crossland

The Leadership Pipeline: How to build the leadership-powered company – Charan, Drotter and Noel

The First 90 Days: Critical Success Strategies for New Leaders at All Levels – Michael Watkins

Toxic Success: How to Stop Striving and Start Thriving – Dr. Paul Pearsall

NLP At Work: The Essence of Excellence – Sue Knight

Cultural Intelligence: People skills for global business – Thomas and Inkson

Of course, we all have our own preferences when it comes to what we consider to be great leadership development resources. Please consider sharing your own personal recommendations in the “Comments” section below so we can also benefit from your experience.

Susanne Biro is a senior leadership coach and co-author of Unleashed! Expecting Greatness and Other Secrets of Coaching for Exceptional Performance. She can be reached by email.

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As managers, we do not automatically assume the mantle of coach. Hiring, planning, performance management, and other such tasks naturally accompany the role of manager – but coaching does not. The title of Leader Coach is one we must earn. It requires two choices: The first is our decision to invest our time and energy to help another create significant personal change; the second is the choice this person makes to include us in his change efforts.

Think back on your own career. Can you identify a person who saw talents and potential in you that no one else did? Someone who encouraged you to explore new possibilities? Someone who challenged you to a higher level of performance? A person who truly cared about your development and success, and invested those rarest of commodities – time and attention – in you? Who comes to mind? Now, consider the following questions: How did this person earn the right to coach you? Why did you invite this person into your life and listen to this person above others?

When I reflect on this question myself, I realize that the people from whom I have sought and continue to seek coaching have a strong values-orientation. They are clear about their personal values and live them consistently. First and foremost, they are authentic. My own great coaches also have a wonderful blend of humility and self confidence. They have a healthy level of self-esteem – one of the reasons they are able to engage with me authentically is that they do not need to work on their own ego issues at my expense. Finally, my best coaches enter into our relationship with noble intentions; they genuinely care about me and my success and will sacrifice some of their own needs so as to attend to mine.

So, how do you earn the right to coach others? You begin by becoming a coach to the most important person of all – yourself. It is only when you can effectively manage, motivate and coach yourself to higher levels of performance that you will know how to coach others. If leadership is about going first, then as a Leader Coach, you must first strive to live up to your own fullest potential.

You Must Change
I wish I could give you better news but I cannot. Being a great coach is primarily about who you are in your relationships with other people. Think for a moment about your staff, co-workers, boss and customers. Think about your interactions with them, about your influence on them, and about the impact you have on their working lives.

• • Are you important to them?
• • Do they perform better because of their relationship with you?
• • Would others call you a coach?
• • Do people trust that you have their best interests at heart?
• • Would others attribute their success to you?

Can you identify ways in which your impact on others needs to change? Now consider this: If you continue following the same course, you will get the same results – or lack of results – you are getting now. The key factor in your ability to coach others for higher performance is who you are with others. Therefore, the change must start with you.

Like it or not, as a manager, you are always on display. Your behavior is continually scrutinized. The impact of your actions is noted and magnified in the eyes of others. People watch you and form opinions about who you really are. They even make up stories about you when they do not have enough information to paint a complete picture. They’re not being intentionally judgmental; they are just fulfilling the human need to have a frame of reference when dealing with you. They ask themselves if you’re the kind of person they want poking around in some of the most sensitive and important areas of their performance and career. They ask themselves, “Do I respect him enough to believe that he has value to offer me in my role? Do I trust that she truly has my best interests at heart?” How you are evaluated in these assessments determines whether or not you will be invited to coach another.

Your Thoughts Matter
What thoughts do you think most often about those with whom you work? Take a moment to contemplate this question and be completely honest. Think about this: Many of your opinions are already being broadcast to those with whom you interact. We are actually quite transparent. Either overtly or covertly, you communicate these things before you’ve even spoken a word. People generally know what you think of them, and they respond accordingly. When you think of others as unmotivated, incompetent or unintelligent, they know it and will typically resent you for it. And, you will not be invited in as a coach. However, when you think of others as unique, talented and developing, regardless of their current level of performance, they will also know this, and will be much more likely to invite you to coach. More importantly, they will seek to live up to your assessment of them. By seeing people at their very best, you can set the stage for high performance.

You may have a desire to coach, but the decision is not yours alone. Coaching will not happen until you have earned the right in the eyes of another.

Questions To Consider:

• • Select five or six people with whom you interact on a regular basis. How do you think each of these people would rate you as a coach?
• • What would it be like to work with or for someone like you? Would you feel valued, appreciated, talented and heard? Would you feel like an important part of the team?
• • Is being in your presence a positive experience, or do you worry that people feel better when you are not there?
• • Given your answers to the above, what do you know you need to change?

This article is based on an excerpt from Unleashed! Expecting Greatness and Other Secrets of Coaching for High Performance by Gregg Thompson with Susanne Biro.
They welcome your comments and can be reached by email: Gregg Thompson and Susanne Biro

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This is a very special kind of person, one who looks right past the superficial parts of your personality, your typical defenses, the insecurities you’ve worked so hard to mask, and the failings you’re ashamed to admit, let alone accept. Imagine that this new person sees all of you and simply accepts you for who you really are – a unique individual who wants to be special, make a contribution, and use their most precious talents to make a real difference in the lives of others. At the same time, this new person also sees how your personality, defenses, and insecurities get in the way of you performing at your best. This person knows when you subtly sell yourself short in your work and career, in pursuing your passions and dreams, and in your expectations for the future. And she won’t let you get away with it any more. She cares about you too much to let this continue.

Because this person sees the real you and cares, she will not accept anything less from you than your very best. With a deep appreciation for who you are, this person confronts you with a level of honesty that does not allow you to deny the truth of your potential. At the same time, she recognizes clearly that this is your challenge – not hers. The only thing that’s certain is that she is going to hold you accountable for becoming the very best version of yourself.

What would it be like to have just such a person so completely on your side? Now, imagine what it would be like to be that person for others.

The Power of Appreciation
The power of a positive, appreciative relationship is not a recently discovered principle of human behavior. Socrates and Plato both believed that all individuals possessed inherent wisdom and talents, and could make significant contributions to humanity by focusing on and developing their gifts.

In modern Western thought, the idea can be traced back to the 1950’s, most notably in the work of psychologist Carl Rogers. Rogers believed strongly that a climate of trust and respect was essential to facilitating a person’s ability to develop in a positive and constructive manner. He created a therapeutic model around this theory which he called client-centered therapy. “If I can provide a certain type of relationship,” Rogers explains, “the other person will discover within him/herself the capacity to use that relationship for growth and change, and personal development will occur.” Rogers’ theory garnered much attention among psychologists in the 1950’s and 1960’s, and it remains influential today to the practice of high performance coaching in the workplace.

In 1987, David Cooperrider and Suresh Srivastva published a ground-breaking paper entitled “Appreciative Inquiry in Organizational Life.”(1) In it, they outlined what they called the Appreciative Inquiry (AI) method for organizational change and development. Essentially, AI takes Rogers’ ideas about client-centered therapy and applies them to organizations instead of individuals. As its name suggests, AI aims to identify, support, and perpetuate the very best in an organization through structured questioning. The authors recognized the motivation people gain from their own visions of success and suggested that pointing out and celebrating success in an organization, rather than focusing on flaws and failures, resulted in greater improvement in overall performance. According to Cooperrider and Srivastva, “organizations change in the direction in which they inquire.” An organization which looks for problems to fix will find and focus on problems; one which seeks out the positive things within itself will succeed in identifying all that is already working well and therefore can focus on doing more of those things.

Even in the most difficult of times, we can find signs of life and hope if we look for them. The things we choose to pay attention to and the attitude we have toward change and development can make all the difference to the results we get. Whether our focus is on the individual or the organization, performance improves when we focus on our successes, talents, passions and the future potential which exists.

The Expectation/Performance Connection
Consider for a moment the people with whom you work most closely. Who would you classify as your A players? Your B players? What distinguishes these groups from one another? What characteristics are shared by A players? What do the B players have in common? What thoughts do you have most frequently about each group?

Now consider this: They know how you rate them.

Whether you express your assessments verbally or not, the people on your team have a pretty good idea into which category you have placed them. We’re always more transparent than we would like to believe; the truth is we communicate our opinions quite clearly, often unconsciously, through a variety of verbal and non-verbal cues. For example, we will change the tone of our voice depending on whom we are addressing. Or, we will avoid eye contact with some while granting others our full attention. More often than not, the people around us know what we think of them and – here is the crux of coaching – people live up to or down to our expectations of them. When we think of others as unmotivated, incompetent, or unintelligent, they know it and will typically resent us for it. They will dislike working with us and will attempt to avoid us whenever possible. However, when we think of others as unique, talented, and developing, people know this as well and will respond accordingly. They will like how they feel about themselves in our presence. They will desire to work with us, and will grant us their discretionary effort. They will allow us concessions they will not allow of others. We will have gained their loyalty – a rare commodity today.

If we want to coach others for exceptional performance, we begin by thinking well of them. Only then can we heighten their awareness of their value, strength, and performance potential. By bringing an appreciative attitude into our relationships, we help others overcome the limits they have imposed upon themselves, and significantly expand the possibilities available to them. Great coaching leaves a legacy of people who know their greatest strengths and, as a result, have the internal motivation to seek opportunities in which to deploy them.

A Perfect Partnership
The high performance coaching relationship is a Perfect Partnership: It is a relationship that sees others at their very best; challenges them to examine their own gifts, talents and aspirations; and ultimately, holds them accountable to become the very best version of themselves.

Try This:
Think of one person with whom you work. What untapped potential do you see in them that they might not see in themselves? Make a point to tell them today. Find one opportunity to do this each day until it becomes a leadership habit. Notice how people change in their relationship with you.

This article is based on an excerpt from Unleashed! Expecting Greatness and Other Secrets of Coaching for High Performance by Gregg Thompson with Susanne Biro.
They welcome your comments and can be reached by email: Gregg Thompson and Susanne Biro

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Now, reflect on the significant conversations you had over the last week. Consider the following: At the end of the conversation did you feel complete? Did you say everything that needed to be said? Did you feel good about the interaction? If so, notice why. If not, consider what was missing. Notice if there was something else you wish you had said or done. Did you feel that you held back in the conversation? Did you find yourself later having the conversation you wish you had had with another co-worker, friend or perhaps your spouse? Maybe you just have the conversation with yourself. If so, you are not alone. These are very typical reactions when we avoid the important conversations.

Leaders at all organizational levels are being asked to be more coach-like with their team members, colleagues, and even their customers. Unfortunately, many who lead organizations find themselves ill-equipped to provide such coaching. It’s not that we lack the requisite interpersonal and leadership competencies, but that coaching requires more. Coaching challenges us to engage in a different kind of conversation; one that confronts real topics of performance discrepancies, aspirations, values, disappointments, and passions – topics that are often uncertain, uncomfortable and emotionally charged.

We call these Dangerous Conversations. Not dangerous because someone will be hurt (quite the contrary), but dangerous because they always explore new, uncharted territory with all the accompanying risks that range from defensiveness to vulnerability, from anger to euphoria.

Coaching requires us to engage in the Dangerous Conversation. It is dangerous because it confronts questions that need to be asked: “Are you doing your very best work right now?”, “How are you getting in your own way?” and “What would happen if you really took your foot off the brake?” It is dangerous because it raises issues that are uncomfortable for even the most experienced managers: “You are better than this”, “This sounds like an old, tired story” and “I think you are afraid to try.”

Walk Away Empty
When we engage in a dangerous conversation, we walk away empty; everything that needed to be said was said directly and honestly to the person who needed to hear it. We know immediately when we have done this because we feel a release. The burden we carried is transformed into a wonderful gift for another. Even if the message is very difficult for the other person to hear, if it is delivered with the other person’s interests at heart, we can take comfort in knowing our work is done. We did not hold back in our communication; we respected the other person enough to tell him the truth. We cared enough about his success to take the risk and to be uncomfortable for his benefit.

We also know immediately when we haven’t given everything to a conversation. We held back, not wanting to hurt, challenge or even affirm the other person, arrogantly believing that our words would be too much for him to handle. We lacked the courage to share our unvarnished perspective. As a result, we leave the interaction feeling unsettled, still filled with our real concerns and all the thoughts we censored, left to ruminate on them indefinitely. Sometimes we even seek out a third party with whom to finally speak our truth; the conversation that we didn’t have the courage to share more directly. Communication experts call this process “triangulation,” but to most of us, it is simply gossip.

Are you a Leader Coach? Are you known to be able to have the Dangerous Conversation? Would others call you a coach?

Try This:
Think of someone you have complained about recently. Also, think about someone whom you believe is very talented but underachieving. Then ask yourself, “What is the dangerous conversation I need to have with these people?” Make a promise to have those conversations today.

After the conversation, notice how you feel. Do you feel empty? Did you say everything you needed to say to the person at that time? If you felt you held back, notice what you held back and why. Develop the habit of having Dangerous Conversations every day.

This article is based on an excerpt from Unleashed! Expecting Greatness and Other Secrets of Coaching for High Performance by Gregg Thompson with Susanne Biro.
They welcome your comments and can be reached by email: Gregg Thompson and Susanne Biro

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I must say from the outset that when the words “leadership” and “emotions” are used in the same sentence, I cringe. (Actually, a minute electrical signal is passed from my brain stem to a little almond-shaped thingy in my brain called the amygdala whereupon it is quickly compared to my personal library of weird and wonderful emotional responses created over a lifetime so that it can select one and use it to tell me how I feel about the sentence. Strange as it may seem, I - think of “I” as the rational, conscious, smart part of your brain - have little to do with the decision to cringe). This reaction was likely formed early in my career when, as a young engineering technologist, all of my projects were horrendous failures, not because of their lack of technical merit, but rather because of the irrationality, foolhardiness, idiocy (I could go on but I’m sure you get the idea) of equipment operators. Apparently an insidious, deep-seated mental weakness rendered them incapable of recognizing the sheer brilliance and elegance of my ideas. The Director of Engineering apparently shared this weakness since he arranged a most unwelcome transfer to Personnel Records six months into my job. That foolish move cost him a brilliant young technologist who graduated near the top of his class. It nearly cost me my career.

Leaders today rarely fail because they back the wrong product or make a misstep in an acquisition. They fail because they are insensitive, critical, selfish, arrogant and negative. They fail because they are emotionally weak, like that young technologist. They fail because they are unable or unwilling to harness the power of their own emotions and those of others.

The single most powerful force in the domain of leadership is emotion; the emotions of the leader and his or her constituents.

Some of us are born with natural leadership charisma, but I have never met a natural born, emotionally powerful leader. In fact, just the opposite is true. By nature, we are superficial, self-absorbed creatures. To become emotionally powerful leaders takes a real concerted effort…but it can be done. When one simply decides to study and master one’s emotions, connect with and positively influence others, it’s like turning on a light switch. The change is immediate. Overnight your leadership power will increase tenfold. It is remarkably straightforward and doable.

1. Get up close and real personal with the real you.

Recognize and embrace your emotions. These are not simply outcroppings of your personality. Emotions are you. Think of spending your life swimming in a pool of your emotions. They are everywhere, and you are always under the influence of at least one of them. While you may think you know yourself well, most of us really don’t. Knowing your MBTI personality type is not enough. Get up on your own balcony. What really makes you tick? What makes you happy, sad, glad and mad? Watch yourself interact with others. Become aware of your emotions as they occur. Note the events that trigger significant emotional reactions. (Remember the amygdala thingy? That’s where all your historical emotional patterns are stored. These can be changed but it takes lots of introspection and hard work. This is where the most profound leadership development starts. This is where you create a foundation on which your leadership power sits.)

2. Become the master of your own emotional ship.

Stop being ruled by old patterns of feeling-thinking-acting that no longer serve you well. Get into the habit of pausing and reflecting. Ask yourself, “What’s really happening here? Regardless of how I feel, what’s the next best step for me, as a leader, to take?” (Give your neocortex a chance. This is the “I” part of you that resides in the upper part of your brain. It is the smart, cognitive part where you make rational, informed decisions. Don’t leave the amygdala on its own or you will end up with the same old reactions. Introduce your neocortex to your amygdala. Get them talking. This will allow you to create the habit of fully experiencing your emotions while consciously selecting your reactions. This will be the main source of your leadership power.)

3. It really is not all about you.

Great leaders seek to create selfless, personal connections. This can only happen when people feel good, not about you, but about themselves in your presence. It really is not all about you. Practice seeing the world through the eyes of others. Practice being totally present with others, even for a short time. Great leaders invest considerable time and energy in understanding others and seeking ways to serve them. Others are not simply pawns in their game but real people with unique needs, fears, aspirations, and, yes…their own amygdalae! (that’s plural for amygdala…btw)

(Speaking of amygdalae, these little items make being truly empathetic quite difficult. We naturally see people through our own emotional patterns, which are formed from our experiences, values, beliefs, etc., and it takes a concerted effort to shut the amygdala up for a little while to really see others as they see themselves. Great leaders gain tremendous personal power by making this effort. Weak leaders don’t.)

4. Stop sucking the light out of the room.

Are you a pervasive, positive influence on the people in your organization? When you walk into a room, does it become brighter or do you suck out all of the light? Moods make all the difference. And the leader’s mood is especially infectious. Great leaders have a contagious optimism about their organization’s future and constantly convey a strong sense of confidence in themselves and others. (Yes, you can choose your mood. When your neo-cortex and amygdala are on good speaking terms, you can engage that part of you that smiles, sees the best in others, is joyful and is nice to be around. This is how your leadership power influences others.)

If someone has passed along a copy of this article to you, you might want to sit up and take notice. There may be some learning for you personally in the above points. The good news is this: Someone cares about you and your effectiveness as a leader. They believe in you and see the potential of you becoming a much more powerful leader. You can. And it will make all the difference.

If you’d like to learn more about the enormous power of your emotions and moods, join me on May 12, 2010, for a complimentary webinar called The Emotionally Powerful Leader. The webinar will take you on a journey into your inner world and will help you become a positive, energizing force within your organization. Click here to register for the webinar.

Gregg Thompson is President of Bluepoint Leadership Development and author of Unleashed: Expecting Greatness and Other Secrets of Coaching for Exceptional Performance. He can be reached by email.

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